The earthworm is a common creature that lives under the soil. Their oft-common names include ”rain worm”, “night crawler”, dew-worm” and “angleworm,” the latter owing to its common use as fishing (angling) bait.

The body of the earthworm is basically a muscular system in the form of a tube, which houses the digestive system on the inside as another tube running the entire length. Earthworms have two main blood vessels that extend the length of the creature, with several aortic arches, -‘hearts’ basically. The number of aortic arches varies in different species of earthworms, but a common earthworm typically has five hearts.

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All earthworms take food in a unique manner; their mouths are directly connected to their digestive tract with just a small crop (storage chamber) to help grind the consumed food to a more digestible slurry. They merely swallow their food and it passes directly into the digestive system. Earthworms mostly eat decomposing matter such as leaves, plant clipping and other plant material. Other varieties of worms are more 'geophagous.' That is, they eat soil or earthy loam-like dirt in a manner similar to “pica” in order to obtain nutrients. “Pica” is generally classified as an eating disorder in advanced animals, defined as a craving for and ingestion of non-food items.

What Do Earthworms Do?

Earthworms improve soil quality by their tunneling and removal of decaying matter from the surface. Aeration of the soil and their tunneling improve soil quality and rain penetration. This tunneling reduces erosion as the rainwater can soak into the rooting levels of plants instead of merely running-off, carrying topsoil away with it. Plant roots can more easily propagate through soils previous burrowed by worms, thus allowing plants to infiltrate new territory quicker than surface-level propagation. Soil that has been worked by earthworms has a more stable ‘crumb-like’ quality, also making it less likely to just blow away in wind erosion as well.

Material cycling is an important function of earthworms; for instance, they remove waste that is spread upon the surface of fields. As a normal process of waste removal in some municipalities, earthworms move this product that is spread upon fields to deep underground to be used by trees and plants.. –Liquefied sludge slurry from Waste Treatment Facilities in some municipalities is sprayed upon farmer’s fields and earthworms do the chore of getting it buried. Days or weeks later, this process can be repeated. The Waste Treatment Facility benefits are it removes heavy bottom-sludge from their collecting ponds, and the farmer benefits as this is good fertilizer for their fields.

Life would be radically different here on the planet if it weren’t for these very useful and mostly unseen creatures!

Are Earthworms All Good and Beneficial?

For the most part, yes. Earthworms are a sign of healthy soil. A soil devoid of earthworms tends to mean that the soil is bad, overly acidic or heavily polluted.

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The Good, The Bad and The So-So

Some earthworms have a few bad qualities. Introduced species of earthworms can compete with local indigenous species. Most introduced species here came from Europe for whatever reasons, probably foreigners wishing for familiar creatures in their new chosen land. In western Canada for instance, a type of introduced earthworm deposits hardpan clay-rich soils from deep underground to the surface, which makes managing gardens, golf courses and personal lawns troublesome. The indigenous specie of worms do not do this, as they don't tunnel as deep. The local worms are more beneficial for that region than the invasive newcomers.

Other earthworms, like the Red Worm (Eisenia fetida), coexist with indigenous worms and even thrive in soils that are too acidic for other native species of earthworms, like decomposing manure piles. Red Worms are not as long as the common earthworm, and they can withstand a greater range of temperatures along with short-term drier conditions. They can be kept alive for quite some time in smaller ‘bait boxes’ while using them as bait for fishing. They are more ‘energetic‘ on the fisherman’s fishhook. They continue to wiggle for a longer period of time than do normal worms, making them a favorite with fishermen. Fish seem to strike faster and harder on an 'active wiggler.' Able to withstand a greater range of temperature favors Red Worms for raising then in breeder boxes both indoors as well as outdoors. Avid fishermen, reptile and amphibian hobbyists often raise their own Red Worms to supplement their sport, avocation or their pet’s diet.

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Worldwide, there are over three thousand species of earthworms, but only a small number of species are indigenous to Ontario, CANADA where yours truly currently lives. Hermaphrodites, -it can be said that earthworms really only have one gender. But it still requires two worms to mate as there is an exchange of gametes. They are egg layers, which are cast-off in cocoons that form in a skin sac that forms around their bodies. When it is ready to be shed, they ‘back out of’ the subsequent ring cocoon, which is shaped a little bit like a lemon. The baby worms are born fully developed and ready to begin their life.

Adult worms lay between twenty to forty cocoon sacs per year and while it takes less than one year to reach maturity, some earthworms can live for up to an incredible nine years!

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Back in New York when I was a teenager, we kids in town used to collect earthworms at night to sell to a local bait shop for 30-cents per dozen. He would take all we could bring in, anytime, all the time. It was good, easy money for us kids. An hour or two of working on a good evening could earn a ten or fifteen dollar reward. The most I ever picked up in one night, -and it was a perfect night for it, -moonless, windless, humid and slightly foggy, was 117-dozen earthworms! I filled a 3-gallon mop pail level full, all earthworms! It took me several hours that perfect night, -four or five hours with frequent breaks as I recall, but it was an easy $35.00 which was ‘big money’ to a teenage still in high school.

A Cash Crop of Earthworms?

A few years ago here in the west end of Toronto, a local Polish newspaper advertised for ‘laborers’ to convene for mass worm hunts. A group affair, you go with this group to golf courses or wherever to pick up nightcrawlers, work for as long as you want, and they bought the worms you gathered for ten cents apiece! Okay, wow…I would go do that! To put that into perspective, that 117 dozen worms I gathered that one night would be worth $140.40! But you might wonder, -is an earthworm worm worth 10-cents apiece? And to whom would this be worth? Well, in the summertime fishermen along Lake Ontario here in Toronto will buy little bait boxes of worms for 25-cents per worm! I must assume that some enterprising soul was re-selling this en-masse to Fishing Clubs, Yachtsmen/Boating Clubs and possibly even directly to fishermen along the shoreline at fishing time. Somebody was making a profit.

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Earthworms have been one essential ingredient in Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese medicines for thousands of years, used along with various herbal remedies specifically, one called “Lumbricus Tonic”

Some of the purported usages of this remedy were to;

‘…improve the tone of the sympathetic and the parasympathetic functions of the central nervous system’ and also to ‘…support the digestive function of the stomach and gastrointestinal tract.’

“Lumbricus tonic” is said to have no known toxic effects, no contraindications nor any adverse interactions. -It is safe to consume.

A traditional medicine in Vietnamese culture made from so-called “Earth Dragons” (“Earthworms”) has the grandiose title of “Miracle Medicine that can save lives in 60 minutes” make similar claims. That it comes from the soil holds some special meaning as to having natural concentrated nutritional content. At any rate, this toad (above) seems to be enjoying it…

And Let's Not Forget...

Hey, -it's mostly protein! But don't even get me started on that old "sodium erythorbate" in hot dog wieners/frankfurters is really "salted earth-worms" urban legend. That is patently untrue. "Sodium erythorbate" is really an anti-oxidant similar to Vitamin-C, and it is made from SUGAR, not worms.

However...

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Chow down, boys! That’s just yucky right there!

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This is a close-up of a' bone bell', showing the hollow which extends through the base of each bell. These bells contain the bulk of the human remains within Sedlec Ossuary. The bells sit in each corner of the ossuary, a testament to mass human suffering.

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This is a close-up of one of the many skull and cross bones within the ossuary.

The History of Sedlec Ossuary

In 1278, Abbot Henry of the Cistercian Monastery in Sedlec was sent to Palestine, considered by the Catholic Church as the Holy Land. He returned with a small amount of soil from Golgotha, which he scattered over the soil of the abbey cemetery.

Because of this pious act, the graveyard soon became a popular burial ground for central Europeans.

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A chalice made from human bones stands on a pedestal in Sedlec Ossuary, framed by skulls and crossed bones.

A gothic chapel was built on the grounds of the cemetery between 1282 and 1320. A large vault, or ossuary, was built to house the bones that were exhumed during the excavation process.

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A depiction of Jesus Christ on the cross is surrounded by antique bones.

In the 14th century, the black plague ravaged central Europe, leaving thousands dead. It is believed that tens of thousands of bodies found a resting place within the holy burial ground of the monastery. The chapel later suffered a massive blow after a fire burnt everything but the outer walls.

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It is claimed that this chandelier contains every bone in the human body and was made from several skeletons.

Construction continued for many years, with a new entrance being added and the upper chapel being rebuilt in the early 18th century.

In 1870, The Schwarzenberg family hired a woodcarver, František Rint, to organize the heaps of bones that had collected in the Sedlec ossuary. In an attempt to give the bones a sense of order, Rint created artistic, macabre creations with the bones.

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The Schwarzenberg family coat of arms; created by Rint to honor his commisioners.

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Detail of the Schwarzenberg family coat of arms.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/oddwick/1418681718/sizes/m/

Some of Rint's creations are inexplicable. It is said that he attempted to portray the inevitability of mortality through his work.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/oddwick/1418679692/sizes/m/

Rint's creativity is apparent in this creation in which he has used a cracked human bone to create the bird's head.

Sedlec Ossuary in the 21st Century

The Church of Bone, situated an hour's travel outside Prague in the Czech Republic, in the province of Kutna Hora, is a popular tourist attraction that is listed in many tour guides.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/carolynwill/2806748229/sizes/m/

A cherubic angel sits on top of an unlikely pedestal in the church of bone.

The ossuary has been featured on "Ripley"s Believe It Or Not', and was used as a location for the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman visited the church in their documentary, "Long Way Round".

Click here for a 360° view of the Sedlec Ossuary. 

Doors are symbols of opportunity and change.  The unknown lies behind each door, just waiting for discovery.  The doors themselves can be objects of art and can help to add color and flair to the most boring existence.  These doors show how the ordinary can become extraordinary.

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These beautiful, scrolled iron work doors add charm and elegance to an otherwise, pink entranceway.  They are gorgeous while still creating an extra layer between inside and outside.

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These doors themselves are painted plain white but the entranceway around it is a colorful and beautiful expression of creativity in mosaic.  This entrance is anything but ordinary.

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These mirrored, sculptural doors show a combination of what lies within and reflections of what lies outside.  These doors are so much different than anything I've ever seen before.  They seem to belong underwater almost.  It's amazing what creative heights the human mind can strive for.

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Sometimes the ordinary can become extrordinary by the repeated use of mundane objects.  This knotty wood door is dotted with bolt ends and nuts to transform it into a beautiful entrance.

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Sometimes paint is what is required to elevate a doorway into something noteworthy.  The colors and patterns in this doorway mural make it stand out.

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This airport bathroom is unlike any I've ever visited.  Besides being clean and seemingly without a giant line, the art on the stalls is outstanding!  What a great idea.

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In this instance, vivid colors are all that is required to make the doorways inviting.  These doors become works of art when placed in a world of beige and cream.

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And don't forget the van murals!  These van doors are definitely different...  Beautiful color and shading on this mural make these doors a "must-see".

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Stained glass has been a creative means of expression for many, many years.  These Tiffany style doors beckon passers by to enter and see what lies within.

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The forest on these doors allow a peak between the trees to the store within.  They offer mystery and charm instead of a mere obstacle to pass before entering.

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These doors are reminiscent of the sun and the beams of light it sends across the universe.  The copper allows for all sorts of beautiful hues.  Imagine walking through these every day...

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Religions of all kinds have beautiful art and outstanding architecture.  These doors are at the Hassan Deux Mosque.  The children playing outside allow a perspective of just how massive this doorway is.

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These doors are the entrance to Kumari Ghar.  The exquisite carvings cover the entire entrance way, culminating in the arch over the door of many different gods and religious symbols.

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These beautiful doors at Grace Church images depict Christ's life.  These huge doors are a statement to both believers and non believers alike.

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Sometimes the beauty needs to be searched out.  These door hinges on a craftsman style home are incredibly intricate and tiny.  Yet, they make an enormous difference in the artistic feel of the door way.

I've always believed that you will find what you look for.  If you look for ugliness, you will find it.  And if you look for beauty, you will find that.  These forms of everyday art can be used as inspiration to continue searching for beauty in the ordinary.  Here are the links to my other "everyday art" articles, in case you're interested.

• Door Handles
• Art Cars
• Food Art
• Lego
• Chairs
• Garbage Cans

Okay, this one really freaks me out.  I have no idea what they were thinking.

When Santa and friends party, they party hard!  Somehow, I doubt that he is on the "good" list.

Santacon is when a large number of people go out to party celebrate dressed for the season.  Sometimes it can be a bit offbeat to say the least.

Somehow I don't think that I will be taking my kids to this Santa.  How to give the little ones nightmares!

Another Santa not to take the kids to!  They claim this is linked to a Christmas "speedo run".  Yes, nothing says Christmas like running in a speedo.

Some people will dress up anything for the season.  Somehow I am thinking that this is not exactly the classical idea of Santa.  Sort of a "Merry Christmas, I come bearing a probe" theme.

I love this hippy Santa.  I guess he kind of reminds me of my dad.  Yeah, scary I know.

Okay, crazy clown Santa Claus is really, really scary.  You expect him to come after you with a knife.

This guy has a pretty evil and scary look, and I love the warning "I move" pinned onto him.  Imagine trying to walk by and having him suddenly start moving around.  I wounder how many heart attacks he caused before they put the sign up?

Ah yes, Santa creeping up behind some poor kid.

I am really not sure what this guy is trying to say with this look.  Sort of a very naughty Santa look.  The whip on the belt is a nice touch.

Someone just could not let go of Halloween.  Sort of a "nightmare before Christmas" theme.

I guess this is why I have not seen Santa recently.  Who puts Santa's head in a case anyways?

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Blatz beer -- so both baby and mom are blatzed!  This beer is described as having "Nourishing qualities" and "appetizing, stimulating tonic".  Well, I'm sure everyone slept better at least!

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Cute kid.  I can't believe they'd use babies to sell cigarettes back in the day.  I'm not sure what they mean by "over-smoked" although I was a smoker for years.  Unfortunately, this Marlboro ad is just one of many cigarette ads featuring babies and kids.

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This Motorola ad is hysterical.  If you own one of their televisions, it will help kids get their homework done promptly.  And it will strengthen family bonds to sit around and watch t.v. together.  Better behavior at home (because they're zoned on the t.v.) and better marks at school (as if).  I'm sure my kids would love it if this was still how people thought!

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Wow.  This one is wrong in so many ways.  When you think of today's childhood obesity rates and how many schools have pulled pop from vending machines, this ad seems so ludicrous.  At least drinking pop will help them with "fitting in during those awkward pre-teen and teen years".  Yikes.

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Oh, and if they've had too much television and pop, I guess you'll have to order the "special" fashion book.  Lane Bryant is one of today's major "plus-sized" retailers.  I'm not sure how much business they'd get now if they called it a store for "chubbies".  Those poor girls having to order out of this fashion book.

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This weird ad seems to suggest that it's so safe even a baby could use it.  A baby could use a razor???  Begin early, shave yourself?  I have no idea what the heck they were thinking with this ad.

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This one is just plain funny.  You can't pin that smelliness on the baby -- it's Dad's bad breath!  Hysterical.

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Not sure what to get your kids for Christmas?  How about guns?  Okay, okay.  I know some people out there probably do give their kids guns.  These are apparently only BB guns (Thanks to Reader Tor for pointing that out).  Still a 7 year old with a BB gun?  I'm not so sure I want to arm my second grader.

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"Absolutely safe" and "Papa says it won't hurt us".  These people are flipping insane!!!  I like how it says these guns are not toys but show a little girl clearly playing with one.

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Cocaine toothache drops only fifteen cents.  I bet kids feel no pain when they have these!

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And if the kids didn't turn out how you wanted them too....  This ad is just hysterical.  It didn't really fit but I just had to include it based on sheer haha value.

I wonder what people 50 years from now will think of our advertising?

I am still deciding quite how I feel about this image by Rob Sheridan.  I love his stuff, but this one really makes you wonder.

Apparently some people prefer Peewee Herman to the standard angel.  That is pretty scary!

I guess this guy is in "the spirit of the holidays"...  Kinda sends a shiver up your back.  I guess someone somewhere thought that this was a good idea.

I guess inflatable snowmen make this guy feel naughty...  Yeah, I really don't know what else to say.

And of course, there is the always popular "let's annoy our pets" for the season.  This cat looks less than impressed.

Somehow I never before thought "let's hang up Merry Christmas armless, legless angels!".  She is both beautiful and a little disturbing.

Nothing says Christmas like a syringe!  I hope this is a diabetic, but you never know.  Is this Christmas for drug users?  Maybe not one for the kids...

Little kittens are cute.  Sad cat heads are just scary.  A box of them is even scarier.

This is just really creepy.  Someone went through a lot of work for this and put a lot of though into this, but I still don't think I will be getting one for my kids this Christmas!

When good elves go bad.  A Christmas crime scene?

Believe it or not, this one was tagged as a nativity.  This is definitely not the nativity I remember from the local church growing up!  Sort of an alien mannequins do the nativity theme.

Crash test dummy Christmas.  I am not sure why.

Um, I have no idea.  You know, sometimes, just adding a Santa hat and tinsel does not make something look like Christmas, it just makes it really weird.

Well, I guess even at Christmas, you have to go to the washroom sometimes

I love this one.  It is really over the top.

Somehow Christmas always turns naughty for some people.

Apparently, for some people, Christmas says "go running in a thong" for some people.

Thankfully, I do not seem to be on their Christmas card list.  I really wish I could say that I understood this one, but I have no idea except to say that I am pretty sure that there must be booze in those cups because this one just screams that alcohol must have been involved.

1: Disney's Lion King

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Although technically not an image, this frame from Disney's animation "The Lion King" is perhaps the most famous and disputed subliminal message ever discovered. When Simba sends up a dust cloud the letters "S-E-X" can clearly be seen when the movie was paused. Although the films animators defended the dust as spelling out an abbriviation for "special effects", the formed letters were edited out all the newest versions of the movie in order to avoid further conflicts over the issue. Disney is notorious for the many sexually natured subliminal images aimed at kids uncovered in its works.

Movie Posters

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Three fantasy movie posters, and yet... This is by far the most obvious location of hidden naughtiness. I mean these had to either have been arranged like this as a joke by some employee or are truly a very interesting act of chance.

Flowers

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At first glance we see what appear to be several pretty flowers. However, looks can be deceiving, a second look at the negative space in between the three flowers uncovers the three letters which spell out America's dirty little secret.

Skittles Bag

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Put together the "S" in the red skittle and the "eX" in explosion and what do you get? Thats right, even candy promotes sex now.

Pepsi Cans

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In the summer of 1990, in honor of the 4th of July, Pepsi began to distribute limited edition "Cool Cans" as part of a promotional campaign. A lucky drinker found an unexpected message, hidden in the new neon design, when he stacked two of the new cans atop each other.

Fifty Rupee Bill

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These 50 Rupees from the Seychelles might not be able to buy sex, but they sure can stick it in your face. If you look close, and tilt your head to the right, you will see that the palm trees to the right of the woman spell a word I am sure you can all guess  by now. Hint: the top two leaves form the letter "S".

X-Men Comics

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This comic from X-Men was one of many like it, part of an issue in which the artist chose to hide the word sex on each and every page. In this image, the word sex stands out because it has been colored bright red. The uploader of the comic has also circled it for those of us who cannot find it on our own.

Author's Note: The bias nature of this article (which makes it sound like a conspiracy) was used in order to assertively present a single point of view and is not a reflection of my own personal opinion as to the legitimacy of these images or who put them there and why. Hope that'll answer some questions. Feel free to share your own opinions.

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Everything else in the ad is completely normal.  But when he mentions that he has a mustache, I burst out laughing!  This has lead me to believe that everything is funnier with a mustache.  The guy, for some unknown reason, had to mention that he had the mustache as though it was part of his definition of himself.  Does this mean that he won't shave it off ever?  Is it an integral part of his being?  Anyways, I digress.

A few years back, my son got a spy set as a gift and it included a fake mustache.  I had some friends over and he was showing off his new spy set.  One of my girlfriends put on the fake mustache.  Instantly she transformed into the drummer from Black Sabbath.  It was hysterical.

This does not mean in any way that I dislike mustaches.  My husband in fact sports one along with a goatee.  It just makes him look distinguished.  On others, they are just funny.

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Such a beautiful girl.  With a mustache -- funny.  No mustache -- beautiful.  This one reminds me of the famous milk commercials with the milk mustaches on the rich and famous.

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Similar to the shot above.  With mustache -- funny.  Without mustache -- cute dog.  He looks awfully serious.  Maybe the mustache does suit him.  You be the judge.

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Is this adorable tot trying to be more like her Grandpa by sporting a 'stache?  I can just picture the two of them riding in a Transam convertible...

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Then, of course, there's the old classic stand-by of the fake glasses-nose-mustache combo.  Adds a little mystery to one's persona.

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There's a user on Flickr named clareh61 who's images highlight the hilarity of mustaches.  They have photo shopped a stylish 'stache onto all sorts of famous images.  My personal favorite is the Energizer Bunny.  I don't know why but to me he looks like he belongs in some strange 70's porno.  I think I have issues!

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This sexy pin-up is given an entirely different feel with the addition of the Flickr mustache.  Definitely startling, that's for sure!

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Or what about President Elect, Barrack Obama sporting the same facial hair style?  I think it totally ages him, somehow.  Priceless.

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There is, of course, a whole culture of people who are mustache aficionados.  Men growing all sorts of intricate, complex mustaches for a variety of reasons.   There are dozens of articles on this topic, I'm sure.  I think that some men see the mustache as a way to get people to view them differently.  Seeing this guy definitely makes me smile, that's for sure.

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This final image is my favorite.  This guy had to tattoo another face just so that he could have two chances at facial hair fun!  Imagine the maintenance that this look requires though.  He even has hair on his eyebrows on the back of his head.  Astounding and hysterical all at the same time!

Excuse me, but I have to go to the:

Bedpan

Can

Comfort station

Crapper

Facility

Flushing closet

Handsome house.

Head

John

Latrine

Library

Ladies’ room

Lav

Lavatory

Loo

Men’s room

Office

Outhouse

Potty

Powder room

Privie (Old Eng.)

Privy (Mod)

Relieve myself.

Restroom

The necessary

Throne room

Washroom

Water closet

Excuse me, but I have to:

Be excused

Go.

Go to the bathroom

Go to the crapper

Nature calls

Powder my nose (she)

Relieve myself

Take a leak (he)

Take a dump (he)

Take a dump (she)

Tap a kidney

Tap a bladder

Utilize the facility

Bathroom - a room or building equipped with one or more toilets. It interesting to note that a room with only a bath, is NOT considered to be a “bathroom.”

Commode - A plumbing fixture for defecation and urination.

Have fear of flying to the bathroom because you can’t excuse yourself with dignity? Embarrassed?  Can’t find the right words? Seriously dude, you’re not alone. Ever since Sir Thomas Crapper introduced the splendid idea of a “wash-down water closet” in a private room, this has been a universal problem. One thing is predictable: Sometime today you’ll be visiting that special place. Moreover, you will exit refreshed, ready to conquer the world. Some call it “the second-best feeling in the world,” but it implants a subconscious love for this facility, the bathroom, and a little later we’ll explain what’s involved in this “love affair.”

     Kids can go to the bathroom in the car, some go to the bathroom on their lawn and some even go to the bathroom on a chair.  Grownups occasionally can do the same. They go to the bathroom here; go to the bathroom there; but one thing is certain, they will go to the bathroom. Even if it doesn’t have a “bath”, it unmistakably will be in a genuine “bathroom.”

     According to the Associated Press (03/13/2008), one poor lady sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for two years. He finally called the police, who rushed her to the nearest emergency room, where the seat was surgically removed. Now there’s bathroom love! No word on the facility favored by the lad. Hopefully, he didn’t “go to the bathroom” in his living room or kitchen for two years. She expected to be joined together in a state of matrimony with her toilet seat, not him. Only a surgeon could put asunder this marriage that was made in Heaven.

     How about you?  Can’t live without it? At the right time, the bathroom may be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.  Idiomatically and practically, literally and figuratively, it is universally needed.  A young gentleman at an intimate dinner with his newest lady friend, felt the “go to the bathroom” urge.  How best to explain this to her without sounding crude or animalistic?  Finally, after sitting uncomfortably for a few minutes he said, “My dear, I have to excuse myself. I have an appointment to shake hands with a good friend, whom I plan to introduce to you very soon.”

     All kidding aside, we’re lost without our bathrooms.  How did this “love affair” start?  Once plumbing and running water became available, our ancestors moved the bathtub into a separate room that afforded a modicum of privacy. While the tub was there, many took advantage of the new contraption made popular by Sir. Thomas Crapper (1861). This enterprising Englishman probably didn’t invent the toilet, but promoted it to such an extent that his name became associated with it. The partnership of the toilet and the bath, in the “bath”room, was a natural movement (so to speak). By the way, Crapper’s company still exists in England, not under the original family ownership, but offering reproductions of the original “wash-down water closet”, similar to Sir Crapper’s. By the way, Crapper wrote a book, Flushed With Pride, not up on the list with Pride and Prejudice, but rather interesting, nonetheless.

     So, as it happened, most of us developed a need with, and fascination with bathrooms. Can’t do without ‘em and life would be quite uncomfortable without ‘em. Right?  Wrong - if, in your previous life you were a Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, or anyone else who lived before the “bathroom” was invented. The New York Times reported that as early as six million years ago, the first ancestral humans began walking the earth. In the journal, Science, Brian Richmond and William Jungers described the species “Orrin tugenesis” as the “first that stood and walked on its hind limbs.”  Probably, they were in search of a bathroom. Too bad, they would have more than six million years to wait before they found a bathroom; and then, only about a century before the phone rang. (Just kidding)  Is there a scientific “search for the go-to-the-bathroom” gene?  

     Since our genetic history descends from this ape-like ancestor, one can imagine a group of chattering “great apes.” After a particularly sumptuous banana banquet, one excuses himself, chattering something about a “bathroom,” and he walked away thus exhibiting his relatively new Homo sapiens genetic marker. His (former) friends evolved into chimps and gorillas, continuing to chatter as they excreted whenever and wherever they saw fit. But the “go-to-the bathroom” set of genes continued on into Cro-Magnon and Homo sapiens.

     Being Homo sapiens does not guarantee bathroom privacy. Who said “The only way the world will beat a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom? “ The statement speaks for itself.  Anthropology aside, common sense tells us that the first humans followed their animal instincts, because there were no bathrooms. as they migrated, immigrated or emigrated. Don’t forget that their animal cousins “went to the bathroom” everyplace and anyplace, sometimes in certain spots to hide evidence from predators as well as to mark a distinct territory.  For the humanoids, privacy in a bathroom wasn’t a factor in the bush, jungle, steppe, plain or mountain. After awhile, they found that running water carried excrement. This was clearly a plumbing breakthrough for, maybe, only a few million years. Using this method, trails were hidden from enemies and camp smelled a lot sweeter. 

     In medieval England, those in their own homes “went to the bathroom” in glass urinals or chamber pots. The full container was emptied out a widow or door, into the street. The rich used “stools of ease” or “closestools”. These were decorated containers, box-shaped, with removable bowls underneath. It is said that King Louis XIV had hundreds of closestools at his palace at Versailles. Reportedly, on the day that King Charles II and his court departed from Oxford after a visit, they remarked that their hosts were “nasty and beastly” leaving all sorts of excrement in “every corner” as well as chimneys, studies, and cellars. Sir John Harrington built what many believe to be the first modern flushing water closet for Queen Elizabeth I of England. “According to Sir John, it was a “privie in perfection.”

     Early American settlers reverted back to Cro-Magnon and Neanderthal times, “going to the bathroom” along their trails, in forests and on the plains. In their shelters, they “went to the bathroom” in chamber pots that were the vessels of choice. These were emptied into streets, yards, gardens and stables. Then, the more settled of the settlers built an outhouse. Simply speaking, this was a small shed with a hole (sometimes with a small hole, just right for a child). Carved into the door was a crescent moon (men or both sexes), or a star for men and the crescent for women. Under the hole was sand, earth - like kitty litter, or a removable pail.

     Cities and large towns were filthier. Without a separate outside facility, chamber pots and a multitude of containers were, unceremoniously tossed into streets, paths, walkways and courtyards.  People who visited New York City in the 1840s were flabbergasted to see streets with roaming pigs, feeding on the excrement tossed from windows and doorways.  Cincinnati was dubbed, “Porkopolis” because of this.

     Indoor plumbing was beginning to come into its own all over the country. Things began to change when, in Boston in the 1800s, the first hotel with indoor plumbing was presented to the public. 1899 was a banner year in New Orleans. There, women formed the Women’s League for Sewerage and Drainage. This spurred the movement for indoor plumbing in that area.

     With the advent of indoor plumbing after World War I, factories began to manufacture sinks, toilets and bathtubs. Metal piping began to replace outdated wood and clay pipes. Plumbing and the plumber emerged as part of our labor force and necessity. The indoor bathroom began to come into existence, first for the rich and the well-to-do, and then the upper middle class. In the early 1900s, some bathrooms had fireplaces and wall decorations, while today’s facility contains everything from television to whirlpools and saunas. There are now automatic flushers that can surprise more excrement out of you, working as they do, with electric eyes and such.  But always keep in mind that it is understood today, in America, that when one says, “go to the bathroom,” the idiom speaks for itself. We all know what it means, even if the Cro-Magnons among us might not. 

     “Wipe with the left, shake with right?  For our ancestors, this may have been good advice. Times change and along the way, wiping habits have, too. Bet you never knew about the history of toilet paper. Bet you never cared. Chances are you might have cared more, had you been using newsprint or corn cobs in the 19th century (red cobs first, for the initial “cleansing,” and white cobs to complete the operation.). The Sears yearly catalog, arriving for free, into each rural household, and was kept in the outhouse or bathroom, for obvious reasons.

     Believe it or not, in 1391, in China, the Bureau of Imperial Supplies began producing toilet paper for the emperors. Fast forward to 1857, Joseph Gayetty produced the first packaged bathroom tissue in the United States. He called it Therapeutic Paper. In 1879,

E. Irvin and his brother Clarence Scott produced the first roll.  Well after the Civil War, and into the 20th century, the bathroom tissue adventure began for thousands, and then millions of Americans. By 1900, “bathroom tissue” was a part of the bathroom in most homes, at least for those with indoor plumbing. This was all explained to a museum audience by  Michael Tetzrow, curator of the Neville Museum in Green Bay, Wisconsin, to an admiring audience, and Ann Koski, museum director, at the Wisconsin Historical Society at an amazing display entitled “The History of the Bathroom.”

     There were some drawbacks: First of all, it was difficult to explain to someone why they had to spend money on “paper.” There was plenty of the stuff around, like used newspapers, old brown bags and discarded note paper, and the Sears  catalog - and it was all free. In addition, throughout rural America, there were red and white corn cobs for free. Toilet paper was a tough sell when every penny counted in the average rural household.

     Overseas, Victorian sensibilities permeated any immediate mass marketing of toilet tissue. The average Victorian did not want to be seen buying the stuff in public, much the same as condoms, sanitary napkins, tampons and the like are sequestered in the average retail grocery store, supermarket or convenience store, today. Humanoids are and were embarrassed to be publicly associated with bodily functions. Go figure.

     Finally, with the advent of indoor plumbing, it all came together. Sales and a sense of need increased. Bathrooms were on the increase. The privacy factor became dominant. You could do anything, wear anything (or nothing) in this little room that had

1) A bath. and shower. 2) Medicines, salves, ointments, deodorants, toothpaste, makeup and much more.  3) A flushing toilet. The room usually had its own lock and afforded any one family member the chance to be alone without interruption. It took awhile, but Americans learned to be very careful about what they put into their pipes. Toilet paper dissolved quickly and could pass into a sewer after dissolving. Cobs, newspapers, brown bags and such, did not.

     Ever wonder how all this works in real life? Well, even if you never have, it behooves you to take a look at your own body (or your partner’s). It consists of two major systems: Intake and excretion. The liver and kidneys filter out and dispose of impurities. Purified moisture or water is deposited in the bladder. Most impurities end up in the intestines, and are emptied (or “excreted”) down and out into the toilet. Kidneys filter out impurities. Make no mistake about it, every one of us, as well as every terrorist, al-Qaeda operative, communist - even Osama, himself, have this in common. This basic systematic division took millions of years to develop.

     Compare your house  to yourself (or your partner). It has the same two major systems that you do - intake and excretion.  Simple as that. The pros give them techy names like “DWV” - the “drain-waste-vent” system. Think for a moment. Your house “drinks” water, not the way you do, but here is what happens: Somewhere near you is a water treatment plant. Your community supplies a pressurized water main to bring  water right to your home. This is considered to be “potable” water, fit for human consumption.

     So there the water waits, begging to be let intot your house, to be uplifted to its final destination. What happens now, you may ask, or you may NOT ask, but here are the facts, anyway:

     Just at the place that the water enters the house, it goes into two pipes. One pipe carries cold water. The other pipe leads to some sort of heater and becomes hot water. The hot water is then drawn up into radiators, baths, showers, saunas, laundry use, and wherever it needs to go. The cold water is piped into all the sinks’ cold water faucets and on into the bathroom for showers and toilets. Basically, it goes to all the places that receive both hot and cold water. In the toilet bowl and tank, only cold water is needed.

     Now, consider the excretion system for your house, apartment building, office or any other kind of abode. This edifice just drank all the water it needed, now it has to excrete it, but not before impurities are handled.  Just like your kidneys, a series of filters and

“traps” prevent impurities (anything that is not human waste) from ever seeing the light of day. Only the impure liquid gets through. This DWV (drain-waste-vent) system takes all waste and polluted water out to a sewer system and thence into a waste plant. There, the water is treated to remove bacterial waste, and then disposed into a body of water such as a river or ocean.

     One other thing that I’m sure you’re dying to know: When the water enters your house, it passes through a meter that measures consumption. It then goes through a “gate” valve that allows you to turn off all the water in the house, if need be. But how does it get to the upstairs bathroom?  Because it is pressurized, it only needs small-diameter pipes to carry it. For disposal (excretion), drainpipes can be large in diameter because gravity is utilized to bring used water down, back into the sewer system.  (The pressure in your house is probably 80 pounds per square inch (PSI) or less. This maintains the “integrity” of the pipes, while delivering water to you and anyone else inhabiting your mansion.

     All true Crapperites understand that the toilet works in a mysterious, yet ingenious way. First of all, understand the “soil stack.” This is the toilet drainpipe. It is also the largest drainpipe in the house, because it carries not only human waste, but al other waste water. Smaller drains in your abode drain into the soil stack, and then out into the main sewer line. One more word about your friend, the toilet: There is always standing water in it, to trap sewer gasses and odors from wafting back into your beautiful, modern, exquisitely decorated bathroom.

 

The Toilet

     Okay, here’s what’s so cool about the toilet:  We don’t know whether or not

Sir Crapper invented this, but he sure promoted it and made it famous. A majority of humanity is familiar with the outside of the toilet.  The toilet consists of two parts: A ceramic bowel and tank. Both of these are filled with water. The bowl welcomes your deposit, and the tank holds water in reserve. When you flip the handle to flush, a stopper is raised in the bottom of the tank. Water drains from the tank and flows into the bowl .Excess water in the bowl flows into an outlet pipe, and the resulting vacuum sucks up the water and waste from the bowl into the plumbing system.

The tank

     When a toilet begins to flush, the falling water level in the tank causes a hollow, oval-shaped “ball” to float down with the decreasing water level.  There is an inlet valve connected to this floating ball.  It opens and allows water into the tank. When most of the water has flushed out through the bottom of the tank, a stopper closes and the tank begins to refill. The floating ball rises to its former raised position and the inlet valve closes. Both the tank and bowl are then full of water and ready to be used again. Isn’t that delightful?

      Again, there are two basic parts: The tank (holds clean water and stores it; the bowl holds clean water. This standing water in the bowl blocks methane and a host of other indescribable vapors, arising from the local sewer into the soil stack. Gas is lighter than air, so it continues to rise, up, up and up, until it is blocked by the resting water in the bowl. This resting water blocks the “sewer gas” from seeping into the good air of the bathroom.  Sir Crapper certainly knew what he was doing. After World War I, many factories began to produce these contraptions. Soon, nearly every household had one.

     Going to the bathroom in space?  According to NASA, a “zero gravity” toilet has been designed. Due to the lack of gravity, solid wastes are compressed, stored and removed after landing. Waste water is vented into space. As of this writing, according to NASA and The New York Times, the crew recently heard a loud noise while the toilet was in use. Suddenly, the fan stopped, as well as the system used to collect liquids. Obviously, there was an urgent need for toilet repair. The Space Shuttle, Discovery is due soon and repairs will be made..  Future space facilities, according to NASA, might be able to recycle urine into drinkable water, and fecal matter may be utilized for fertilization of plants. This is all interesting, but not terribly important for most of us, until we consider that advances in space technology are often utilized on Earth, at home where we live. Consider that one day we may be drinking recycled “nutrients” and constructing our homes and building furniture with recycled solids.

     Knowing all of this, we are still faced with the eternal question, that in a social situation, how does one excuse him- or herself, gracefully and with dignity? The old, “shake hands with a friend,” doesn’t quite cut it. All kidding aside, according to eHOW, a web site intended to give helpful hints to teachers; pupils should be given the following instructions:

“Step 1

Pay attention to what the teacher is saying. If you listen closely, you may be able to predict a pause in the lesson.

Step 2

Raise your hand high in the air, and wait a few seconds to gauge if the teacher has seen you.

Step 3

Call your teacher by name, or simply say, “Excuse me!” Speak loudly and clearly so that your teacher will be sure to hear you.

Step 4

Ask politely if you may be excused to use the restroom, staring your request with. “may I.” rather than, “can I.” If you are feeling ill, let your teacher know so he or she can help you to the bathroom if necessary.

Step 5

Avoid dawdling. Take care of your bathroom business (sic) as quickly as possible, then head directly back to class.”

     The call of nature is indigenous to us all, and we must take care of our “business.” Thank our ancestors who gave us brains to figure out where and when to answer that call to go to the bathroom. Francis Bacon, pointed out that, “In nature, things move violently TO their place, and calmly IN their place.”

     Okay, now’s the time to take a break, and if you must, seek out Sir Crapper’s most ingenious facility to accommodate your biological needs.  

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Okay, when I think of toast art, this is the kind of image that pops into my head.  Something even I, a toaster with limited experience, could achieve.  What sort of message is this artist trying to convey?  Do we need to balance our food intake?  Should the value of food be placed over the value of condiments?  Do the two rounded bites out of the toast mean something -- maybe suggesting the shape of a bottom?  Or is this just one bored guy at a diner with a camera?

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This piece too looks like something that I could achieve if given a piece of bread.  However, it is actually an example of Rorshach Toast that is hanging in a museum in Germany!  Look deeply into the bread.  What do you see?  A happy face?  A butterfly?  Tell me about your mother...

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This has taken a few steps up the complexity ladder.  It looks like I could make it, I guess.  If only I had enough time.  The real question is, why would you want to make this?  I guess it's neat.  It's definitely different.

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The remainder of these pieces of art are of incredible complexity and require a great amount of artistic skill which, sadly, I do not possess.  The shading on this piece is amazing in it's detail.  The texture of the toast lends the piece an almost aged feel.  It's hard to conceive of this piece actually being made of toast.  It resembles a painting in sepia tones so much!

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This giant mural is located in Japan.  It is actually hundreds and hundreds of pieces of toast affixed to the wall.  The complexity and texture of the piece area truly amazing.  I like that this form of art is sort of like those photo mosaics made up of tiny, individual pictures.  You can look at one piece of it and see one thing.  And then you have to step back to see the big picture.

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This piece was made by Ingrid Falk and Gastavo Aguerre in Buenos Aires, 2001.  It is aptly titled "The Toaster" and is 5 meters wide and 4.5 meters tall.  It is made up of 2,500 pieces of toast and took several days to assemble.  It is supposed to be a statement about how art reproduces itself -- as in, the toaster made it's own image of toast or something like that.

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This is a portrait of a director named Peter Jackson made entirely of cocktail toasts.  It hangs in the Wellington, New Zealand airport.  It took 2,224 slices of cocktail toasts to create this portrait.  The artist's name is Maurice Bennett.  He has created a number of other portraits in toast and even an image of Eminem in, you guessed it, M & M's.

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This article wouldn't be complete without a portrait of the King himself.  This work from Lennie Payne is detailed in a 2006 issue of Make Magazine.  In the article, Payne details how he creates his amazing images.  He, unlike some of the other artists featured here, does not use a toaster.  Instead he uses a propane blowtorch to scorch the bread.  He then scrapes away the burnt portions to create the different shading patterns that he wants for the overall piece.

He also details how he preserves his pieces.  Payne burns the toast, scrapes the tonal qualities into it and then lacquers the toast on all sides.  The completed piece of toast is then adhered to a backboard with silicone adhesive.  I'm sure that this process sounds easier than it really is.

True creation occurs when the mind has time to wander.  It's amazing to me just how far some minds will actually wander though.  Thank goodness we are not all alike.  What a boring world it would be!  For a peek at another article that details what the bored can accomplish, click here.