Achieving a Dream

As little boys and girls some of us dream of becoming mommies and daddies. We are taught in the traditional, heterosexual world that when grow up in order to do that, you need one girl and one boy. We dream of big weddings, big houses, and big families. For some of us though, that dream feels crushed when we come to the realization that we are gay.

We aren't taught that gay people can have weddings, houses, and families. It can be a big shock to our system coming out as it is. First we may have family that doesn't accept us. Then we may have friends that leave us. We may have jobs that won't hire us or landlords that won't rent to us. And then to top it off, our dreams of having children go by the wayside.

But they don't have to.

There are many ways, as gay people, that we can have everything we dream of. We'll find landlords that will rent to us, Realtors that will include you and your partner on the lease, and lawyers that will draw up papers giving power of attorney to your partner. We can seek out companies that are gay friendly and offer same sex benefits. Even in the red states. It's not as simple as it is for heterosexual people, but it's possible and more importantly, it's worth it.

We don't, and many of us won't, have to give up on the dream of becoming a parent. We have several options:

Adoption: Currently there are nine states, California, Connecticut, Illinois, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and Vermont and the District of Columbia that have either appellate court decisions or statutes that explicitly allow same-sex couples to complete a second-parent adoption, a procedure by which a same-sex partner can become a child’s legal parent without altering the other partner’s parental status.1 In other states, though both parents may not be able to be listed on the documents, there are ways around that. One parent can adopt the child and then they can have a lawyer draw up a Parenting Partnership Agreement, giving both parents equal say in the child’s well being in the case that they separate. There are a few states that prohibit same sex people from adopting such as Florida, Mississippi, and Utah. If adoption isn'’t the right choice or possibility to begin your family, you do have more options.

Artificial Insemination/Surrogate Pregnancy: For a lesbian, a common choice among the community is artificial insemination. AI is a process in which a woman impregnated by donor sperm. Again, there are several options. The easiest and most inexpensive option is to have a trusted friend or relative of your partner donate his sperm for your plight. This can be done by natural insemination or by artificial insemination. There are three types of artificial insemination; direct intrauterine insemination (IUI or prewashed), intra-cervical insemination (ICI or standard) and In Vitro Fertilization. ICI insemination can be performed at home, using a medical needle-less syringe. The downside to this is that your chance of pregnancy isn’t as great. The upside is less pain. IUI sperm is performed at the doctor’s office where the doctor injects the sperm through a catheter directly into your uterus. The downside to this procedure is that it’s more painful. The upside is that you have a greater chance of pregnancy.

Surrogate pregnancy occurs when male sperm is injected into a willing female host to carry the baby. With any of these options, make sure that you are protected. Have papers drawn up for the other party to relinquish all rights to the child. Have the non-parental party tested and know the medical history.

Step-Parenting: If adoption, AI, or surrogate pregnancy isn’t for you, step parenting may be. Obviously with this option, it isn’t something you can purchase online or go into a reproduction bank. But with the number of adults coming out later in life, your chances of meeting an d falling in love with a person who has children from a previous marriage. The important things to remember in this situation are: don’t expect to be the other mom or the other dad immediately, don’t expect the kids to call you Mom or Dad quickly or maybe even at all, and talk over the parenting philosophies with the birth parent before getting too involved. You want to make sure you mesh and your styles are similar or complementary.

These are just a few well known options we have as gay people to become a parent. There are many, many other choices that each have many, many sub-choices to choose from. The bottom line is that times have changed. If you want the white picket fence and the pitter patter of little feet, you can have it.